Hidden Parts of My Soul

27 Apr 2020 Midge Noble

Midge’s Mumblings on Awakened Hearts

I am a very open person. If you ask me a personal question I almost always will answer you. I’ll tell people things that most people would keep private; drives my wife crazy. I wear my heart on my sleeve and people feel as if they know me very well. I would agree that most people do know me very well; but they do not know all of me.

I don’t even know all of me.

For example, I have hidden parts of my soul that I don’t know at all. They surface from time to time and I am surprised at how powerful they are:

depression
anger
rage
insecurity
fears
suicidal thoughts

These parts of my soul emerge at moments when I least expect them. They can last a little bit of time or stay for days, weeks, months. Some of them are always running in the background.

What drives me to distraction and intensifies the feelings is; I am so happy, grateful, and am in awe of the life that I have in this moment. I feel guilty; we can add that to the list, that I have any of these feelings because I know people who would trade their life for mine in a second. Yet, they don’t really know the hidden parts of my soul; and I don’t know theirs.

In this moment I have been given the gift of time;

time to reflect,
time to spend quality moments with my kids (four legged,)
time to strengthen my walk with Christ,
time to come to terms with why I have felt separated from God’s love
time to nourish my relationship with my wife
time to create plans for how I want my life to emerge after the pandemic
time to embrace and learn from the hidden parts of my soul

Today, my rage emerged and like always it came on quickly and lasted too long. The feeling of total inadequacy was so overpowering that I didn’t know what to do. The coping skills I have taught so many and the words of compassion I have encouraged to use and my encouragement that they will be gentle with themselves and the reminders that they are worthy

… didn’t work on me.

I gave myself all the hurtful and punishing words I could muster through my tears. For years I have believed that I had to pretend that my truth had to be hidden because if anyone saw it; I would never be trusted to help them.

……. and then it happened. I prayed. My sweet Mona Belle came to sit in my lap on the floor with me…… and I prayed, and I cried, and I cried, and I prayed.

I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed that this rage would finally teach me something and that I would finally be able to hear the lesson that it has always been trying to teach me. I prayed that God would show me how to learn from it and then take it and remove it from my heart.

Anger is not the problem. It is what I use it for and the rage it turns into when I am disrespected, fearful, and feeling incompetent.

Anger turns into rage because I feel so small and vulnerable.

I have been here before; far too many times. Today I learned that my rage is not for power; it has been for distraction. It distracts me from seeing me. I have always said I want to know myself and see the worst parts of me so I can “fix” them. Today, I learned that I have lied to myself and I have kept the hidden parts of my soul hidden because I never wanted to see them.

Hidden Soul journeys are not easy. It is the hardest work I will ever do. It will take guts for me to look at the parts that scare me and sometimes scare others. I will have to own how I allow those parts to take over all the love, compassion, and grace that are also in me.

It is never too late as long as I am still breathing and above ground; my inner work can get done! This time, I see the work that needs to be done and I will go into the darkness and turn on the light.

Feeling all the Feels

17 Feb 2020 Midge Noble

Midge’s Mumbings on Awakened Hearts

I have stuff. Stuff from my past, stuff business, stuff that needs to be done at home, stuff with relationships; but hey, don’t we all?

Our stuff can shape who we are, who we will become, and what we attract into our lives. How often do you catch yourself on auto-pilot? Just going through the motions and not paying attention to the pain in your life? I spent years doing that. Shoving down the pain, avoiding it, rising above it, and starting over again and again when I really didn’t want to start over; again!

Pema Chödron, in her book Pain and Suffering; Life Wisdom talks about sitting with the suffering. I can tell you, that is uncomfortable. Allowing yourself to be present and feel all the feelings that come up when you confront issues in your life and life events that have occurred. Especially if I have to confront a pain that was caused by myself! It hurts, it is embarrassing, and the most difficult part is to break the pattern of avoiding.

Moving past a life event that leaves the feeling of anger and pain is very difficult. Emotional growth is not for the faint of heart.

As I live and move and breathe into a higher consciousness, I have to sit with my past, my choices, my not so pretty moments and really evaluate what I could have changed. It is extremely humbling. I believe we are all here to serve a higher purpose than just getting through this life. My goal is to keep transforming my pain and claim my authentic power so I can then be the light for others who are ready.

WELCOME HOME!

10 Feb 2020 Midge Noble

Last week I talked about my decision to be confirmed as an Episcopalian. This week I wanted to give you the up-date. I DID IT! Was it easy? Absolutely not.

Anytime we do something meaningful we are faced with fears of doing something new, changing something up, and doubts about our readiness. I have been taking the Episcopal 101 class to get a deeper understanding of the formation of the church and their beliefs. I was surprised to learn that I am aligned with their beliefs. I was raised to believe that I wouldn’t be aligned with other faiths. I also learned how be more intentional about my worship that opened up my Spirituality to a new level.

Even with all my meetings with Father Joe, attending a weekly healing service to work through fears, and all the education and worship time on Sunday mornings, all my old fears came up. The Wednesday before confirmation I was almost convinced I might back out. I spent time in the sanctuary of the Parish before going to the healing service in the chapel that Wednesday. I needed to figure out if I was at peace with my decision to be confirmed. I knelt in the dark with staring at the lit up cross of Christ on his throne. I was seeking confirmation that I was making the right decision and I humbly asked that I would have a knowing in my soul.

In the very next moment, I had the urge to look up the words to the song; It is Well with My Soul. I found the lyrics on my phone, and as I was kneeling I sang the hymn that I love so much. This was the same hymn that was being sung at the Metropolitan Community Church when I was struggling to own my homosexuality. As I sang the verses of that song, a peace came over me and once again I knew that it truly is well with my soul to embrace a more structured worship into my spirituality practice.

So where is the fear coming from? When I went to healing service I again asked that I would not back out and that I would be surrounded with strength to manage the old fears by affirming the peace that I felt earlier. Are we not our worst enemies at times? As you can see by the picture, I did not back out.

The morning of confirmation I had humbly asked that when the Bishop prayed the confirmation prayer for me that I would have a visceral feeling within my Soul. I wanted this to be a whole body experience! Following the prayer, I returned to my seat and the tears started to flow. I was flooded with feelings of years of pain. I was so overwhelmed with a feeling of connection and love. The release of those tears was…. well…. Divine! Father Joe said it best when he came to give me Peace (it’s a time to greet each other in the Parish) following the confirmation.

“Welcome Home,” he said.

He was right. I have found a home to be myself, to doubt, to ask questions, to struggle, and to grow. I have found a home where my Parish family is open, supportive and they live and move and breathe the walk of Christ. I have found a home in “the Jesus Movement,” as the Rt. Rev. Bishop Anne Hodges-Copple said in her meeting with us that morning. Being fully embraced and loved is a feeling I never thought I would feel in a church. The feeling is so sweet.

Are you looking for a loving community? I know where you can find one! Feel free to reach out…..I will meet you there and welcome you home.

Coming Home

3 Feb 2020 Midge Noble

I am 60 years old. Most of my life I have been searching for; me. I started out so unsure of my own worth, my place on the earth, my dharma (mission, purpose, point of my existence) that I was always searching. I wanted to be a writer, a teacher, a nun, a missionary, a preacher, a youth minster, a talk show host; you get my drift.

What was I searching for and why couldn’t I find it? I remember that many of my ideas about how I could serve were quickly shot down with the opinions of those who love me.

Your stories are so gory I don’t think you can make money doing that
You can’t be a nun, you aren’t Catholic and Catholics are going to hell
Youth ministers aren’t paid so you’ll have to get married and then volunteer with the youth in your husband’s church
We don’t have female ministers
You aren’t famous so you can’t have a talk show

To the fairness of those who offered their opinions, some of those things were true. Women of my church growing up were not preachers and our churches did not pay youth ministers, my stories were gory, and I was not Catholic. (BTW, I never understood why nuns or Catholics in general were going to hell, AND I still don’t believe that is true.)

I know down in my core I want people to be happy. I want to make things okay. I want to make a difference. I want to inspire others. I want to serve in a meaningful way. I also know that I have a very innate need to have a deep faith and even when I was told being Gay would send me to hell, I still searched for my Source, Creator of All that Is inside of me. I still felt a disconnect and that there was still a piece missing.

My search took me to India, at the age of 18, to build a church in the town where our missionaries were stationed. Home sickness and dysentery and other health issues ended in me asking God to redial because I felt I had picked up the wrong calling!

I did go to our church school, Berkshire Christian College, and received a BA in Theology and a Teaching Certificate. The teaching certificate would pay me as I volunteered in a church with the youth. I did plan to be married by the time I graduated from college!

I used my certificate as a substitute teacher after over half the teachers in the state of Massachusetts were laid off when I graduated and NC was not hiring either when I returned home. I then went on to graduate school to serve as a School Counselor, a counselor for terminally ill children at Hospice, a mental health Therapist and a Therapist at a Private Practice.

Through all of that searching, I realized I was still searching for that deep inner knowing that God is real, that God loves me as I am, and that I am worthy to serve others in whatever capacity I am led to serve. I don’t have to be straight, I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to have all the answers.

What I do need is people who will love and support me in my search for the answers to my deep questions. To that end, after all these years, after being told I am an abomination for being Gay, and after having really bad experiences in churches, I have found my people.

On Sunday, February 9th, 2020 I will be confirmed into the Episcopal Church at the Episcopal Church of the Good Shepherd in Asheboro, NC. I have stopped fighting, hiding, and ignoring that I have lived in hatred and fear of what has been done to me in the name of God. I AM reclaiming my faith, the God of my understanding, my questions, my doubts, and my RIGHT to be in communion with God, I have chosen a parish where the people of God also know I have the right to be there and understand that I was created to be Gay just like others are created to be Heterosexual, Transgender, Bisexual, etc.

I am scared and that is how I know that this is an ordained shift in my life. God never said the journey would be easy or without fear. Fear is usually a great indicator that the next step is going to be epic! It hasn’t been an easy journey and may never be but I will seek refuge in the knowing that I am chosen and I am worthy and I am Coming Home.

If you have struggled in your spiritual journey and/or have been told you are not going to heaven because you are LGBTQ; feel free to search for the FB group; Gay with God. Answer the questions to be seen on the inside. I’ll see you there!

Unpacking Trauma

6 Jan 2020 Midge Noble

Roddie; our beloved Corgi boy; the Prince of Yodel-ville… the Rod Man…. suffered a trauma. Even though he is now home, gaining weight, getting stronger, and reconnecting with the sights and sounds of home…. he is not done. He is still unpacking his trauma.

We see it on our morning walks. He is much slower due to losing muscle tone and pain due to physical issues around the site of his bite when he was attacked by a neighbor’s dog walking on his morning walk on 11-9-2019. The vet saw trauma on his x-ray that appears to be a ruptured knee sac, and believes there is ligament and tendon damage. He also has a broken fibia…… those jaws were powerful.

We see it in his interactions with other dogs and humans. Once, he was outgoing and engaged with anyone and everyone; dogs, cats and humans alike. Now, he holds back and doesn’t approach, even looking wary of those who approach him. Once he is petted, he begins to soften but the playful light in his eyes is not always present.

We see it in his interactions with his fur siblings. When he returned home he had a skin infection and the odor was pungent and his siblings didn’t recognize him due to his odor. There were weeks of avoidance between the kids and he was not in his leadership role. Over the last two weeks, he has begun to emerge back into his dominant role and is being the silent general. He is letting them know if their play is too much and he will stand up, walk in between them, and let them know to knock it off!

We see it in how he relates to the scents and sounds around him. He gets a distant look on his face and even when called to come; he doesn’t respond. There are times when he is outside that he just sits and looks off into the distance.

He shows signs of hypervigilance on his morning walk. He reacts to every sound; a dog barking inside a house or off in the distance, looking under cars, sniffing the road, looking behind him and he still reacts to the sounds of doors opening, His pace will quicken and he immediately is back into flight mode. Starring straight ahead and just trying to go. It is in those moments where we stop walking, call his name and put our hands on him and affirm his safety. We wait until his eyes return from flight mode and we turn him around to let him see there is nothing behind him and he is not being attacked.

Unpacking trauma is a lengthy and individual process. Roddie is making strides everyday as he reclaims pieces of himself that have taken a seat in the back row. Healing will happen… how much….. when….. are to be determined. What it will take is patience, love, understanding, and a push at the right time to not stay stuck in the trauma but continue to unpack it and move through it.

People experience trauma in very similar ways. The one thing that separates fur babies from people is that we have the ability to use our words and our insights to move through the trauma. Talking it out, getting a coach to validate the trauma and to provide a healing space to unpack the trauma is crucial. A coach can offer you support to confront the your fear so you can unpack the trauma and reclaim the pieces of you that are in your back row.

If you are ready to unpack a traumatic life event that is holding you back from reclaiming who you are…. I would be honored to be there for you. To schedule your free / complimentary session; click the link below.

https://calendly.com/empoweringawakenedhearts/min?back=1&month=2020-01

Love Deserves Protection

14 Oct 2019 Midge Noble

Midge’s Mumblings on Awakened Hearts

Today is a very special day. On October 14, 1995 among friends and some family, I stood face to face with the love of my life. We met in graduate school in 1983 and never once looked back at what our souls told us. We were meant to be together.

So, on that wonderful, sacred day, we spoke our handwritten promises to one another and exchanged bracelets that signified our love for one another. We didn’t exchange rings because at that time in our her-story gay marriage was prohibited. Even though the state did not condone it I believed that God did and I was going to have our love blessed. Under President Obama’s administration; we were able to legally marry which proved to me that equality is possible.

Life hasn’t been easy. Religious hatred is still alive and this country is still debating whether the LGBTQ+ Community deserve the rights and protections that other law abiding citizens have in our country. This current administration talks about repealing the marriage we finally received and the Supreme Court is still arguing about the protections that our community may or may not have. To this end….the end of separate protection for heterosexual couples and LGBTQ+ couples….. I will continue to stand, fight, speak out and speak up for our rights.

Happy Holy Union Anniversary my love. midge

Legacy of Love

7 Oct 2019 Midge Noble

Midge’s Mumblings on Awakened Hearts

I spent Sunday afternoon with my cousin and her blood and chosen family as they celebrated the life of her husband that left this earth far earlier than anyone had expected. He has left a legacy of stories and love that will never die.

It is very evident to me that although family is used to denote who we are blood related to, Family is not always a blood connection. The collection of souls that attended Walt’s Celebration came from different backgrounds, beliefs, histories, sexual orientations and stories.

I thought my wife and I would be the only gay people in attendance but as it turns out; not true. My cousin and her husband created a family of love. They did that by being love, showing love, and living love. In turn, their love brought blood and chosen family to the celebration who made the time in their schedules, cancelled events in order to attend, and traveled great distances to be there; and we all did so because love was extended and pulled us all in.

We attract who we are; not what we want. If you want love in your life then you have to be love, show love genuinely from your soul and love will find you because you have become what it is you desire.

I celebrate and honor Walt’s legacy of love and am honored that not only did his love and his love for Cousin Candy draw me in….. my love drew them to me.

F.E.A.R.

8 Jul 2019 Midge Noble

Midge’s Mumblings on Awakened Hearts: I have been afraid my whole life. Afraid of drowning, afraid of being poor, afraid of being stuck, afraid of change, afraid of being rejected, afraid of looking foolish…. you get my drift. So what did I do? I went on a trip to the Grand Canyon to ride some rapids, I invested in an out-of-state college with a scholarship, $45 in my pocket and a bunch of loans. I continued to challenge beliefs I had been taught and bought book after book and programs to open my mind and expand my horizon. I spoke my truth, came out to family, friends, coworkers and my community. I wrote two children’s books and self published them when publishers didn’t want them. I showed up in the world authentically; and sometimes I looked foolish.

F.E.A.R has also been called False Evidence Appearing Real. I have always said, YES; yes through the fears. I didn’t really know for sure how I would get the money for 4 years of college or my graduate degree. I didn’t really know for sure if I would drowned in the river and I didn’t really know for sure if I would survive coming out as a Lesbian in the South; but I did know that saying YES stopped me from being stuck and opened the doors for what I wanted.; authenticity, integrity, compassion, courage and respect. Uncovering my fears that could have ruled my life and diminished or extinguished my purpose was the only way my Yeses have turned into successes! I bossed back the fear, said yes, and stepped into my authentic power. I hope you will too!

Tell Me Your Story

18 Apr 2019 Midge Noble

Are you a woman living with pain and shame?
Are you a member of the LGBTQ community and feel the pain and shame of religious and social judgements and homophobia?
Are you living with inner shame?

I desire to listen to you story.

I desire to have a meaning conversation with you about what pain you are in.

I am interested in how you keep going.

I wonder if you have ever thought of quitting?

I wonder if you are ready to transform your pain and claim your authentic power?

Lead with Love; for Yourself

13 Apr 2019 Midge Noble

I will never forget the feelings I had when I first came out. I felt free, I felt scared to death, I felt excited, I felt as if elephants were doing cartwheels in my stomach.

I was not young. I was thirty; yep, the big 30! What took me so long? I grew up in a very small town. My grandfather and my uncle were ministers. I was taught in youth group that being gay was, “like having sex with animals.” I didn’t have anyone else in my life that I knew that was gay and I knew intuitively that I wouldn’t be “allowed” to come out in my family. I deeply buried any thought that I could be gay. It was a long time before I gave myself permission to own my truth.

I played the game. I was a people pleaser, I went to church, I was the president of our youth group, I went to India to build a church; expecting to be a missionary. I went to a Christian College and received a BA in Theology and a teaching degree; expecting to be a youth minister in a church. I was kind, I acted happy; I wasn’t always….. happy.

I covered up so much which meant I had to put something in my life to block my truth. There were dark nights. I was suicidal. I made gestures. I became anorexic and suffered with bulimarexia. I was driven. I was a perfectionist. I was not like all the other girls. I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t know why.

Then it happened. I met her. She worked at the same graduate assistant office for the graduate program where we both worked. We became inseparable. We were soul mates. I still couldn’t own it….. until the day she was going to move out of the home we rented together because she was in love with me and couldn’t live there anymore.

That was my turning point. It scared me to death to think she would leave. I had to figure it out. My fear of losing her was greater than my fear of what religion had taught me, greater than the fear of how the world treated gay people, greater than the fear of how my family, friends, and coworkers would treat me.

It wasn’t easy. It was a long journey. I got help. I talked it out. I read an amazing book; Is the Homosexual MY Neighbor to look at different view of the damning scriptures I was taught. It was worth it. I finally had hope.

Living authentically, speaking my truth and walking my talk has opened my life up in amazing ways. Today, I am LEGALLY married to my soul mate; she never left. We have built an amazing life. We have deep respect and love for each other. I have transformed my pain and shame into authentic power. Homophobic statements, losing friends and family, not being hired for jobs does not detour me from living my truth. I AM created from love and I choose compassion and love as my guiding values. I know that I AM worthy to be seen, heard, valued, respected, and to have equal rights. I will ALWAYS STAND for Equality and Compassion.

To you, our youth; don’t give in, don’t give up. As the It Gets Better Project states… It GETS BETTER! Know that you are worthy. Know that you are uniquely you. Stay connected to people who reinforce this for you. Don’t allow the misinformed to take you out of your future. Lead with Love for Yourself! You matter! You can make it!

Love and Light, Midge